Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I am not a poodle!

I don't know why some people call me a poodle. Don't call me a poodle because I am NOT a poodle! Poodles are prissy with names like Fifi and Gigi. They do not have a name like Baxter which is very not poodle. Poodles have funny haircuts that make them look like deranged, panting pom-poms. Baxters do not look like pom-poms. Poodles like escargot in a butter sauce. Baxters like worms, with dirt. Baxters are also very black. Poodles sometimes come in black, but even when they do, they don't wear it well.

Monday, December 7, 2009

To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

Well, this is a famous quote by a man named Shakespeare. I do not know who Shakespeare is or why this quote is famous because it is a stupid question. The answer, as everybody knows is, PEE. How can you not pee? You HAVE to. Maybe what he MEANT to say was, "To pee in the house, or to wait until you get outside, that is the question". This is a good question because if you pee in the house then you get to pee, which is good, but if you WAIT, then nobody pushes your nose in the place where you peed and nobody gets all huffy with their attitude. By the way, do they think pushing your nose in the pee is a punishment? It is not. I like the smell of pee and I will smell it on my own even if they don't push my nose in it. I do not like it when they are huffy though so I think the answer to the question is, wait until you get outside... unless you don't feel like standing at the door and waiting for someone with thumbs to come by and open it for you in which case you can just pee on the carpet.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Ah... the sweet smells of wind in my face

Being one of the world's few blogging dogs, people often ask me, "Lil' B, why do dogs love to stick their heads out of the window of a moving car?" Well my friends, it is simple: It's like an IMAX movie for your nose. Just think for minute. Rather than having to wander around from place to place with your nose on the ground and in other people's business, when you stick your head out the window, a bouquet of all the odors the world has to offer is delivered, under pressure, straight up your nose. The mixtures and nuances this creates is indescribable -- imagine fresh manure laced with the innards of a decaying carcass seasoned with the territorial spray of a feral cat. It's a psychedelic kaleidoscopic, man. A trip. A rush. Makes your eyes roll back in your head, brother. I'm drooling just thinking about it. Peace.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

OMG. I'm the only NORMAL dog in my pack

I knew there were rogue cats in my pack which is a little upsetting but not a major problem. But I started wondering about the others. They do not exhibit normal behavior. Here is a list I made:

1. They don't go potty outside -- ever!
2. They don't dig for worms or even eat worms.
3. They only lick lollipops and never themselves.
4. They are freaking virtually hairless like that weird kind of cat and so they have to wear fake fur to keep warm.
5. They put dog toys -- the nice smelly kind with laces -- on their paws, but only their rear paws. Interesting.
6. They bark at each other constantly and when they are not barking at each other, sometimes they bark at apparently nothing while holding a small rectangular shaped object on the side of their face. Strange.
7. I've never seen them sniff anything except a flower. And they never sniff each other's butts. How do they know ANYTHING about ANYONE? And why sniff a flower? Do they think they are bees?
8. They take a bath almost every freaking day. On purpose!
9. They can open doors like some kind of shaman.
10. They sometimes sit in a trance for hours just starting at the noisy rectangle on the wall.
11. They are afraid of food. Yes, afraid. When they eat they won't even touch it. Instead they use sharp metal objects to stab or scoop the food into their mouths. Then they chew it like twice or three times as if they are getting the courage to swallow it down.
11. Worst of all, they seem to LIKE cats even though everyone knows cats are just there for the food and a place to park their lazy sleep-all-day butts.

I'm going to have to keep a close eye on them. I'm watching you!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


Sometimes my pack mates have to do homework and they don't like it very much so sometimes they let ME do homework. I like homework! It tastes really good except if you do it too much you throw up.

Friday, November 27, 2009

The doctor's office

I went to the doctor's office which is a place where people in white coats pretend like they are nice but then they stick things in places where they really shouldn't. I think doctors should mind their own business. While you wait your turn you can see other dogs and sometimes cats are waiting too. Nobody is very happy, especially the cats who are usually in a small cage, which is a good place for them I think, and who always look like they are about to cough up a hairball. I met Max who is a very good looking dog I think.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I think I'm going to get a treat...

I think my pack is planning to get me a special treat. I heard them on the phone. They were asking about when they could get a "neuter for Baxter". I wonder what a neuter is! A rare kind of bone? A special-order toy? Or a new kind of bacon?! NEUTER NEUTER NEUTER! I can't wait for my neuter!!! Yipee!!!