OMG. I'm the only NORMAL dog in my pack

I knew there were rogue cats in my pack which is a little upsetting but not a major problem. But I started wondering about the others. They do not exhibit normal behavior. Here is a list I made:

1. They don't go potty outside -- ever!
2. They don't dig for worms or even eat worms.
3. They only lick lollipops and never themselves.
4. They are freaking virtually hairless like that weird kind of cat and so they have to wear fake fur to keep warm.
5. They put dog toys -- the nice smelly kind with laces -- on their paws, but only their rear paws. Interesting.
6. They bark at each other constantly and when they are not barking at each other, sometimes they bark at apparently nothing while holding a small rectangular shaped object on the side of their face. Strange.
7. I've never seen them sniff anything except a flower. And they never sniff each other's butts. How do they know ANYTHING about ANYONE? And why sniff a flower? Do they think they are bees?
8. They take a bath almost every freaking day. On purpose!
9. They can open doors like some kind of shaman.
10. They sometimes sit in a trance for hours just starting at the noisy rectangle on the wall.
11. They are afraid of food. Yes, afraid. When they eat they won't even touch it. Instead they use sharp metal objects to stab or scoop the food into their mouths. Then they chew it like twice or three times as if they are getting the courage to swallow it down.
11. Worst of all, they seem to LIKE cats even though everyone knows cats are just there for the food and a place to park their lazy sleep-all-day butts.

I'm going to have to keep a close eye on them. I'm watching you!