How to levitate a dog

I'm learning magic tricks. I can make lots of things disappear -- food, cats, toys, and just about anything my pack leaves on the floor -- that is easy. But my favorite trick is to levitate. Here's how you do it.

First, you find a big yellow ball. Don't be scared if it has a ghost on it because it is not a real ghost.



Next, you put your head on the ball:



Then hold real still and you will start to levitate. Your ears usually levitate first...



Here we go...



Weeeeeeeeee!

Finally, a cat I like!

The Sandbox

Today I played in the cats' sandbox. It was really fun. There are lots of unique smells and if you dig, you can find some special treats! Sometimes the sand gets in your nose. Playing in the sandbox is a sure-fire way to earn a bath, however.

Let's talk bones

I found an AMAZING bone yesterday. I don't know where this varietal is from, but dude, is it ever SMOOTH! It starts with an aggressive fleshy taste and a nice snap then finishes soft on the palate with a divine hint of sweet marrow. It's gotta be 90+ points. Pairs well with slippers.

Cats are not fair

When you try to play with them they just stare or spit at you,


They don't have to do 'come' or 'lay down' or 'rollover' or any tricks,



They get to sleep on the bed and not in a crate,

They don't have to wear stupid clothes,


They get to climb on anything they want and they balance really good,


They don't have to take a bath,



They get to play in a sandbox whenever they want,

And I'm sure there are many more reasons why they are not fair but I don't know them yet.

How to annoy a cat

I have been living with cats for a month now and I have learned some things, like how to annoy them. Here is my top 10 list.

10. Look at it.



9. Bite its tail when it is sitting on a windowsill.



8. Push down the cat pole it’s sitting on.




7. Poke your head in the litter box when it’s takin’ care of business.

6. Try to sniff its butt on a dead run.



5. Hop in the sack with it.



4. Call it a pussy … cat.

3. Try to join in when it is licking itself.

2. Pretend it is a toy and try to bite the squeaky bit.

1. When it is staring at the wall like a hypnotized moron, sneak up behind it and bark real loud.

If you do #1, usually this is what happens:

My new bed

My pack bought me a new bed. I don't like it. It is too crowded and hissy.


I like my old bed better...

How to floss

Today I learned how to floss my teeth. First you find some floss. You can use a shoelace or the string on a sweatshirt or sometimes you can pull a piece of floss out of a sweater or a carpet. If you use these you might get in trouble though, so you will have to sneak. When the pack is watching you should use a piece of your own rope. After you get some floss, just chew chew chew until floss is completely destroyed.

I don't like walks

I know dogs are supposed to like walks, but I don’t get it. First they tie a string around your neck then they expect you to trot calmly around the neighborhood. No toys. No chasing. No chewing. No food. No soft bed. Then there’s all the scary noises: cars, lawnmowers, skateboards… On top of that, I have dogs yelling at me from every yard we pass! This is not fun! And how come I’m the only pack member with a string around his neck? There are a lot of great smells though, I have to admit. I like smells – they don’t make any noise, they don’t hiss or swat, and sometimes there’s a chewy treasure right in the middle of ‘em.

What?! No more treats?!

I’m SO bummed! My pack isn’t giving me any more treats, not even when I do "sit" and not even when I do it perfectly on cue. Instead I get a nibble of kibble or just a little praise. Don’t get me wrong; I like praise. But c’mon, it’s not bacon. They said they want to give me just regular dog food because I had diarrhea today. I think diarrhea is that special kind of poo that comes out real fast and easy. I kind of like it – one push and I’m back to playing! -- but I guess my pack doesn’t. They say I had too many treats like macaroni and cheese noodles and cracker bits so now I’m banned. I don’t think it’s the treats. I think it was the cat poo.

Cat poo

Yesterday I ate cat poo. It wasn't my first time eating poo, just my first from a cat. It is not my favorite poo -- kinda gamey. Rabbit poo is better because it's nice and crunchy and healthy tasting. If they had a doggy Trader Joe's, they'd sell rabbit poo, not cat poo. But I definitely think that cat poo is way more fun than cats.

I did an accident

Today, like everyday, I went potty a lot. But one of them they said was an "accident" and they got kinda mad. I don't know why it was an "accident." It wasn't in anyone's bed. It wasn't in the food bowl. It wasn't in anyone's territory. It was just in a hallway. In fact, it was darn near where the rest of pack goes potty. It's going to take me a while to figure this one out.

A little bit about me

My name is Lil' Baxter B, but mostly they call me Baxter, or Lil' B, or Baxy. It is kind of confusing trying to learn your name when they keep changing it.

I am 12 weeks old. I've been with this pack for one month. I like them mostly, except for the two furry ones. They look like they would be fun to play with but every time I try they just hiss and spit and swat at me. Then I have to lay down and look at them sadly. This makes them stop hissing and spitting and then they walk away. They say the furry ones are cats and the rest of the pack seems to like them. I don't see why. I think cats are boring.