I am not a poodle!

I don't know why some people call me a poodle. Don't call me a poodle because I am NOT a poodle! Poodles are prissy with names like Fifi and Gigi. They do not have a name like Baxter which is very not poodle. Poodles have funny haircuts that make them look like deranged, panting pom-poms. Baxters do not look like pom-poms. Poodles like escargot in a butter sauce. Baxters like worms, with dirt. Baxters are also very black. Poodles sometimes come in black, but even when they do, they don't wear it well.

To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

Well, this is a famous quote by a man named Shakespeare. I do not know who Shakespeare is or why this quote is famous because it is a stupid question. The answer, as everybody knows is, PEE. How can you not pee? You HAVE to. Maybe what he MEANT to say was, "To pee in the house, or to wait until you get outside, that is the question". This is a good question because if you pee in the house then you get to pee, which is good, but if you WAIT, then nobody pushes your nose in the place where you peed and nobody gets all huffy with their attitude. By the way, do they think pushing your nose in the pee is a punishment? It is not. I like the smell of pee and I will smell it on my own even if they don't push my nose in it. I do not like it when they are huffy though so I think the answer to the question is, wait until you get outside... unless you don't feel like standing at the door and waiting for someone with thumbs to come by and open it for you in which case you can just pee on the carpet.

Ah... the sweet smells of wind in my face

Being one of the world's few blogging dogs, people often ask me, "Lil' B, why do dogs love to stick their heads out of the window of a moving car?" Well my friends, it is simple: It's like an IMAX movie for your nose. Just think for minute. Rather than having to wander around from place to place with your nose on the ground and in other people's business, when you stick your head out the window, a bouquet of all the odors the world has to offer is delivered, under pressure, straight up your nose. The mixtures and nuances this creates is indescribable -- imagine fresh manure laced with the innards of a decaying carcass seasoned with the territorial spray of a feral cat. It's a psychedelic kaleidoscopic, man. A trip. A rush. Makes your eyes roll back in your head, brother. I'm drooling just thinking about it. Peace.

OMG. I'm the only NORMAL dog in my pack

I knew there were rogue cats in my pack which is a little upsetting but not a major problem. But I started wondering about the others. They do not exhibit normal behavior. Here is a list I made:

1. They don't go potty outside -- ever!
2. They don't dig for worms or even eat worms.
3. They only lick lollipops and never themselves.
4. They are freaking virtually hairless like that weird kind of cat and so they have to wear fake fur to keep warm.
5. They put dog toys -- the nice smelly kind with laces -- on their paws, but only their rear paws. Interesting.
6. They bark at each other constantly and when they are not barking at each other, sometimes they bark at apparently nothing while holding a small rectangular shaped object on the side of their face. Strange.
7. I've never seen them sniff anything except a flower. And they never sniff each other's butts. How do they know ANYTHING about ANYONE? And why sniff a flower? Do they think they are bees?
8. They take a bath almost every freaking day. On purpose!
9. They can open doors like some kind of shaman.
10. They sometimes sit in a trance for hours just starting at the noisy rectangle on the wall.
11. They are afraid of food. Yes, afraid. When they eat they won't even touch it. Instead they use sharp metal objects to stab or scoop the food into their mouths. Then they chew it like twice or three times as if they are getting the courage to swallow it down.
11. Worst of all, they seem to LIKE cats even though everyone knows cats are just there for the food and a place to park their lazy sleep-all-day butts.

I'm going to have to keep a close eye on them. I'm watching you!

Homework

Sometimes my pack mates have to do homework and they don't like it very much so sometimes they let ME do homework. I like homework! It tastes really good except if you do it too much you throw up.

The doctor's office

I went to the doctor's office which is a place where people in white coats pretend like they are nice but then they stick things in places where they really shouldn't. I think doctors should mind their own business. While you wait your turn you can see other dogs and sometimes cats are waiting too. Nobody is very happy, especially the cats who are usually in a small cage, which is a good place for them I think, and who always look like they are about to cough up a hairball. I met Max who is a very good looking dog I think.

I think I'm going to get a treat...

I think my pack is planning to get me a special treat. I heard them on the phone. They were asking about when they could get a "neuter for Baxter". I wonder what a neuter is! A rare kind of bone? A special-order toy? Or a new kind of bacon?! NEUTER NEUTER NEUTER! I can't wait for my neuter!!! Yipee!!!

My girlfriend Lucy

Lucy is my favorite girlfriend.


She is a shitzu which is a kind of dog that looks like it ran into a wall one too many times. Lucy is fun to play with except sometimes she gets cranky and bites me when I jump on her and then I have to stop for a minute. Lucy also has really buggy eyes which means that her collar is too tight I think. They say girl dogs are called bitches, but I don't think Lucy is a bitch. I think she is nice. Except when she bites me, then she is a bitch I guess.

Shipwreck

I don't know what I ate, but when it came out... dude, it was EVERYWHERE! My pack called it a shipwreck. It took them a long time to swab my poop deck...

How to levitate a dog

I'm learning magic tricks. I can make lots of things disappear -- food, cats, toys, and just about anything my pack leaves on the floor -- that is easy. But my favorite trick is to levitate. Here's how you do it.

First, you find a big yellow ball. Don't be scared if it has a ghost on it because it is not a real ghost.



Next, you put your head on the ball:



Then hold real still and you will start to levitate. Your ears usually levitate first...



Here we go...



Weeeeeeeeee!

Finally, a cat I like!

The Sandbox

Today I played in the cats' sandbox. It was really fun. There are lots of unique smells and if you dig, you can find some special treats! Sometimes the sand gets in your nose. Playing in the sandbox is a sure-fire way to earn a bath, however.

Let's talk bones

I found an AMAZING bone yesterday. I don't know where this varietal is from, but dude, is it ever SMOOTH! It starts with an aggressive fleshy taste and a nice snap then finishes soft on the palate with a divine hint of sweet marrow. It's gotta be 90+ points. Pairs well with slippers.

Cats are not fair

When you try to play with them they just stare or spit at you,


They don't have to do 'come' or 'lay down' or 'rollover' or any tricks,



They get to sleep on the bed and not in a crate,

They don't have to wear stupid clothes,


They get to climb on anything they want and they balance really good,


They don't have to take a bath,



They get to play in a sandbox whenever they want,

And I'm sure there are many more reasons why they are not fair but I don't know them yet.

How to annoy a cat

I have been living with cats for a month now and I have learned some things, like how to annoy them. Here is my top 10 list.

10. Look at it.



9. Bite its tail when it is sitting on a windowsill.



8. Push down the cat pole it’s sitting on.




7. Poke your head in the litter box when it’s takin’ care of business.

6. Try to sniff its butt on a dead run.



5. Hop in the sack with it.



4. Call it a pussy … cat.

3. Try to join in when it is licking itself.

2. Pretend it is a toy and try to bite the squeaky bit.

1. When it is staring at the wall like a hypnotized moron, sneak up behind it and bark real loud.

If you do #1, usually this is what happens:

My new bed

My pack bought me a new bed. I don't like it. It is too crowded and hissy.


I like my old bed better...

How to floss

Today I learned how to floss my teeth. First you find some floss. You can use a shoelace or the string on a sweatshirt or sometimes you can pull a piece of floss out of a sweater or a carpet. If you use these you might get in trouble though, so you will have to sneak. When the pack is watching you should use a piece of your own rope. After you get some floss, just chew chew chew until floss is completely destroyed.

I don't like walks

I know dogs are supposed to like walks, but I don’t get it. First they tie a string around your neck then they expect you to trot calmly around the neighborhood. No toys. No chasing. No chewing. No food. No soft bed. Then there’s all the scary noises: cars, lawnmowers, skateboards… On top of that, I have dogs yelling at me from every yard we pass! This is not fun! And how come I’m the only pack member with a string around his neck? There are a lot of great smells though, I have to admit. I like smells – they don’t make any noise, they don’t hiss or swat, and sometimes there’s a chewy treasure right in the middle of ‘em.

What?! No more treats?!

I’m SO bummed! My pack isn’t giving me any more treats, not even when I do "sit" and not even when I do it perfectly on cue. Instead I get a nibble of kibble or just a little praise. Don’t get me wrong; I like praise. But c’mon, it’s not bacon. They said they want to give me just regular dog food because I had diarrhea today. I think diarrhea is that special kind of poo that comes out real fast and easy. I kind of like it – one push and I’m back to playing! -- but I guess my pack doesn’t. They say I had too many treats like macaroni and cheese noodles and cracker bits so now I’m banned. I don’t think it’s the treats. I think it was the cat poo.

Cat poo

Yesterday I ate cat poo. It wasn't my first time eating poo, just my first from a cat. It is not my favorite poo -- kinda gamey. Rabbit poo is better because it's nice and crunchy and healthy tasting. If they had a doggy Trader Joe's, they'd sell rabbit poo, not cat poo. But I definitely think that cat poo is way more fun than cats.

I did an accident

Today, like everyday, I went potty a lot. But one of them they said was an "accident" and they got kinda mad. I don't know why it was an "accident." It wasn't in anyone's bed. It wasn't in the food bowl. It wasn't in anyone's territory. It was just in a hallway. In fact, it was darn near where the rest of pack goes potty. It's going to take me a while to figure this one out.

A little bit about me

My name is Lil' Baxter B, but mostly they call me Baxter, or Lil' B, or Baxy. It is kind of confusing trying to learn your name when they keep changing it.

I am 12 weeks old. I've been with this pack for one month. I like them mostly, except for the two furry ones. They look like they would be fun to play with but every time I try they just hiss and spit and swat at me. Then I have to lay down and look at them sadly. This makes them stop hissing and spitting and then they walk away. They say the furry ones are cats and the rest of the pack seems to like them. I don't see why. I think cats are boring.